Hi There,
I thought I would post something entirely re-dick-u-lous for you all today.
Dating tips for foes of dating.
Follow these steps (in no particular order) on your first, second, third, or even trillionth date!
1. Declare you are a raging feminist who writes feminist queer theories (for a living) in your parent's basement 9-5. Shit gets real.
2. Praise Eve Ensler for the second 30 minutes of your date. Maybe even add a "she's the feminist literary genius of the third wavers!" Forreals.
3. Talk about how you wipe your bum with old cosmo leaflets cos that shit deserves to get shit on.
4. Smack your lips while eating. Chew with your mouth so open that almost all the neatly placed food that was once plated so nicely is now a screaming mess of colors. If you can manage it place that artful pile of reconstituted mash onto a napkin and hand it to your date.
5. Spiel on about Nutella for the next HOUR "Woody Allen Style".
6. Stand up on your chair and continue Nutella rant for another fifteen minutes before reciting Sonnet #18 to your date and then your favorite Vagina Monologue still on your chair (you can address this one to the restaurant goers if you like).
7. Whip out your hitachi magic wand and wave it around like a wizard. Make a performance art piece--c'mon you've got the attention of everyone by now I'm sure! Who knows? An executive director of the Guggenheim could be eating at the same restaurant?!
8. Grab your bag of fruit loops and start throwing them in your mouth. Why not make a game out of it with your date. You can play fruit loop frisbee? Shoot some froot loop hoops into your mouth? Show your date that you have athletic prowess!
9. To really show that you're into your date...look into your date's eyes. Shoot laser beams into them. If you can come prepared with laser pointers (the ones that cats like so much) now's the time to whip those babies out and really show your date that you care...and possibly want to hit it. Hard. So grab those laser beams and shoot the shit out of your dates eyes--your date won't be sorry!
10. Just keep ordering drinks. Whatever you do don't stop.
11. Those tapas you've been lusting after? Indulge in the tapas...throw some thick cut fries in there.
12. BYOS--BRING YOUR OWN SAKE. Just whip that shit out when the other stuff just isn't doing it for you.
13. Bust out into your favorite Beijing Opera--act it out if you feel like it. Do some of those crazy martial arts moves they do so well.
That's all I got for now, but I'll be marinating on more tips in the meantime.
I'd like to hear if you've got any tips worth self-combusting over so leave me a comment or two or three.
You know...I'm completely serious about these dating tips. I was just testing you at the beginning.
CHEERS
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