A Salmon Schmear Dating Guide

Hi There,

I thought I would post something entirely re-dick-u-lous for you all today.

Dating tips for foes of dating.
Follow these steps (in no particular order) on your first, second, third, or even trillionth date!

1. Declare you are a raging feminist who writes feminist queer theories (for a living) in your parent's basement 9-5. Shit gets real.
2. Praise Eve Ensler for the second 30 minutes of your date. Maybe even add a "she's the feminist literary genius of the third wavers!" Forreals.
3. Talk about how you wipe your bum with old cosmo leaflets cos that shit deserves to get shit on.
4. Smack your lips while eating. Chew with your mouth so open that almost all the neatly placed food that was once plated so nicely is now a screaming mess of colors. If you can manage it place that artful pile of reconstituted mash onto a napkin and hand it to your date.
5. Spiel on about Nutella for the next HOUR "Woody Allen Style".
6. Stand up on your chair and continue Nutella rant for another fifteen minutes before reciting Sonnet #18 to your date and then your favorite Vagina Monologue still on your chair (you can address this one to the restaurant goers if you like).
7. Whip out your hitachi magic wand and wave it around like a wizard. Make a performance art piece--c'mon you've got the attention of everyone by now I'm sure! Who knows? An executive director of the Guggenheim could be eating at the same restaurant?!
8. Grab your bag of fruit loops and start throwing them in your mouth. Why not make a game out of it with your date. You can play fruit loop frisbee? Shoot some froot loop hoops into your mouth? Show your date that you have athletic prowess!
9. To really show that you're into your date...look into your date's eyes. Shoot laser beams into them. If you can come prepared with laser pointers (the ones that cats like so much) now's the time to whip those babies out and really show your date that you care...and possibly want to hit it. Hard. So grab those laser beams and shoot the shit out of your dates eyes--your date won't be sorry!
10. Just keep ordering drinks. Whatever you do don't stop.
11. Those tapas you've been lusting after? Indulge in the tapas...throw some thick cut fries in there.
12. BYOS--BRING YOUR OWN SAKE. Just whip that shit out when the other stuff just isn't doing it for you.
13. Bust out into your favorite Beijing Opera--act it out if you feel like it. Do some of those crazy martial arts moves they do so well.

That's all I got for now, but I'll be marinating on more tips in the meantime.
I'd like to hear if you've got any tips worth self-combusting over so leave me a comment or two or three.
You know...I'm completely serious about these dating tips. I was just testing you at the beginning.

CHEERS

All-knowing Ok-Stupider

This Ok-Stupider intelligently attempts to convince me to hang out with him through the charms of a friend's bearded dragon (only when I mention an iguana).
Also he thinks he can characterize me by a state (in retrospect I should have asked him to elaborate on that broad statement).
Also, I'm only "mildly entertaining". Why can't I be categorized like the spiciness of salsa--couldn't I be medium-ly or hot-ly entertaining?!

He  makes a strong case by calling our match percentages the wrongdoing of okcupidery. He knows so much! (hence my naming him "all knowing")
He clearly sobers up at 10:58am. Ha!

OKC Heartthrob Alert

I believe in the power of OkCupid.

Who knew men liked independent women....who thought such a savior, a prince charming would want to help me clean up my shit. What a nice man.

Share the Schmear

WHAT THE LUMP?


So maybe I'm a little extreme about my beliefs regarding online dating. Maybe I'm terribly uncomfortable with the whole idea, and maybe I don't have to participate in it at all. This could be my attempt at normalizing online dating for myself. This could be the dating way of the future. No one said I had to keep up with the times right? I don't know a lot about why or where or how, but I do know that I have like any other human being a desire for companionship. Not any of that "I need you to complete me" rom-com fluff, but a desire to challenge myself to trust another with my own set of idiosyncrasies. The fluff that I think of and make fun of and can't deal with sometimes. The fluff I have when I see bad parents at bus stops and have this unstoppable feeling of wanting to confront them and ask why they would ever have a child if they didn't want to take care of it?!
Or..that other fluff I have when I think of a public art project that could make the storage of bikes both space efficient and aesthetically pleasing...all of this fluff--this "self-fluff" I would like to share with another. Don't you?
A wise advertisement jingle once said, "Sharing is caring it can be fun!". Though I don't agree with the product that is being sold I wholeheartedly agree with the idea. Humans want companionship so they have another to share self-fluff with. When I share I feel fluffy inside. It's great! (Dr. Steve Brule of Tim & Eric Awesome Show would say: "FOR YOUR HEALTH!"). Hell yes, sharing is healthy y'all. Why do you think the Grinch was green and sickly? (Cos he didn't share yo'!).

And now I leave you with some of Dr. Steve Brule's words:
*Disclaimer: Dr. Steve Brule's advice in no way reflects my thoughts or feelings on gender. To all my gender queer peoples you are awesome--keep doing your thaaaaaang.

http://youtu.be/nmK1osGXhq4

Schmear for Schmear

Hi there.

I'm back with a brand new rap. 

God...I wish I were.

So I sent this blog post to a woman that I really respect asking for her opinion on it. She pointed out that though it was an entertaining rant to read, the content fell flat because it lacked constructive advice! Derp. My goal was not to scare (you) people about the dark, mysterious world of online dating. No! It's not that dark or mysterious. It's really different from meeting someone in person sure, but that doesn't mean one can't get to the meeting, greeting, and tea-ing/coffee-ing in person! In fact, one suggestion I have for combatting that creepy crawly feeling that some of us get when we are messaging back and forth with an individual that we think we might get along with (but really not have any idea on whether it will really work or not because we haven't met he/she/they/them). I suggest message for a week or until you feel comfortable enough to meet said person in a public place in the daytime. (Really, just ask to meet at Wal-Mart and then have said date there, it'll be so great) No, no..well go to Wal-Mart if it makes you happy or go to your favorite coffee shop. Don't forget to let one of your friends know where  and when you're going and for how long. It doesn't hurt to leave a safety word with your friend so you can text your friend if things go downhill. One time one of my best friends was on an awful date and had me call her to pretend that I desperately needed someone to open the front door because "DERP, I FORGOT MY KEYS!" It was pretty obvious the date wasn't going to well, and he didn't buy it in the end. After my friend came home from the date he sent her a text saying "You could've done better than that. The ball's in your court."I don't really agree with what he said--was he really asking for a more convincing story? (insert song: tell me lies tell me sweet little lies). This example isn't exactly what I was referring to earlier with the safety word. My friend wasn't in danger. She was in a personal quagmire. Don't get me wrong, friends should always be there for friends who need to be bailed out of dates. In the case of my friend's downhill date she should have just been honest and admitted that they were both wasting each other's time. Someone has to do it! I know it isn't the most easy or comfortable thing to do, but I am a firm believer in honesty as a means of giving others a clear understanding...I can't stress enough that the poor ground around the bush has taken many a beating--beating around the bush isn't cool for either parties. It's a waste of your time and it's confusing for the other party. I'll admit it comes at a cost of not seeming nice,  but sometimes "seeming nice" can be the most dishonest part about a person. This is 2012, but sometimes I feel like I am existing in a room full of Victorian people who speak in 2012 slang...most folks I've interacted with are hiding their true feelings behind a facade (this is no time for the shallow mask of manners--Oscar Wilde). 

Even on OkCupid I hear friends of mine who internally debate whether or not they should respond not to messages from folks they aren't interested in. I don't think anyone has any obligation to message anybody, but I can imagine it is annoying for an individual to send a number of messages to various people and not get one response. I like to message people back saying I'm not interested so they don't have to wonder about it. There has to be a set of commandments that people follow on that website (that maybe I don't know about???). I've heard that people just don't respond when they're not interested...like that's a thing? It's courteous when someone tells me they're not interested. I like to know that sort of thing. It's probably the nature of the OkCupid machine--it's a dating website that exists in the intangible universe called the internet where people don't have to follow through--they can be flaky and disappear at the click of a "deactivate" button. The anonymity that exists on the internet could be making us flaky people! Oh the terror! If you've ever watched "Friday" by Rebecca Black and read the comments below you would see the bowels of humanity explode in a mess of anonymity and complete insensitivity. You might be disgusted by it. My point is between the anonymity of OkCupid and YouTube, people are getting away with this behavior that is flaky, tactless, and unaccountable! 

Anywhooooo I must go to the loooooo.

And now for your daily dose of lsp:

http://youtu.be/UvzfnWiUtJU

Enjoy.

Online Dating Schmear For Your Plain Bagel?

I figure some of the cray people in the world might know what I'm talking about when I say browsing on OkCupid is a lot like shopping for that practical thing you've been needing for a while on Amazon. (LETS AMAZON PRIME THIS SHIT--TWO DAY SHIPPING, FUCK YEAH! = WE ARE ON A FIRST MESSAGE BASIS AND YOU SEEM HELLA COOL AND I'M HELLA COOL SO LETS GET COFFEE TOMORROW!)
You read the product description twice just to make sure you know exactly what you're getting since it's coming in the mail and you don't get to "try it on/out" beforehand. This process is similar to OkCupid where an individual reads about another individual's "self-summary, the six things I couldn't live without, the most private thing I'm willing to admit, favorite books/movies, On a typical Friday Night, etc."--this is all information that is sort of important if an individual is looking for another person with similar interests or an intriguing lifestyle, but this product description of a person (if you will) is only a projection of what an individual wants other profile visitors to perceive (it's not guaranteed that an OkCupid profile is completely honest). Holy hell I must have wishful thinking to hope that such an honest profile exists, but really don't people just want to be clear at the beginning and get that dirty laundry shit out in the open? I can understand that the OkCupid profile is an advertisement of the self--sure one wouldn't want to scare away potential suitors by being crassly honest and maybe a little rude? If I was a crassly honest and rude person it wouldn't be a breach of honesty to write my profile with that voice. I suppose one writes his/her profile a certain way to get his/her foot in the door--to get in with the folks he/she wants to be "getting it in with", but forreals OkCupid doesn't work like a raffle--each SAT word used in one's profile doesn't equal one more raffle ticket in your name being put in the dating pool bin to be shuffled about and pissed on by your best friend's Boston Terrier (who's ugliness equates to ultimate cuteness). I can only imagine writing my profile to fashion myself as this sweet type who is a "girl next door" (what the fuck is the "girl next door" stereotype anyway--someone give me a definition that's not straight off urban dictionary) as a means to gain prime visibility to potential suitors. Once I would get to dating these folks I can only imagine scaring the pants off hella men and probably confusing them; their perception of me based on my profile would be completely different from WHO I REALLY AM (AND HOW I ACT). So really why not just say it like it is--show me, don't tell me--use your words now (but some folks might not know how to articulate who they are). Ya know, it could be a lot easier to do this IN PERSON AND IN REAL LIFE--for both parties involved it could be a lot less tiptoeing. STOP TIPTOEING AROUND WHO YOU ARE! Don't be scared to tell...SHOW it like it is. We, the daters of OkCupid vow to "show it like it is". Oh the poor daters of OkCupid are like salmon swimming upstream (the cyber stream of course), swimming against the current of internet anonymity and gender norms.
Now for that steamed salmon I made? 
It's late.